He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
