i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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