hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
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I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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