Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You dont lie about slip and slides
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
