I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
