Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
