just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
