what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
