i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
