I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i think i have herpe
just one?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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