Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
