guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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