Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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