I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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