I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
