It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
