apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
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I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
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The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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