New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
