i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Sober January is a disaster.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
