So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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