He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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