and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
