I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
