idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
