awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
