I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
