i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
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Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
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Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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