I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
