Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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