will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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