I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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