Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
