After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
