You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
