We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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