i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
