so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
