Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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