I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
