Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
