I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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