ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
