i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
