I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
