theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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