I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
