someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
What drink are we having for lunch?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
