Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
