I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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