3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
