My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
