I'm going to jail i love you
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
