You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
