you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize