You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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